


coffee stained sweaters

by itsnoahpog



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gender Dysphoria, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, technoblade is trans bc I said so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:20:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29591301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsnoahpog/pseuds/itsnoahpog
Summary: tw read the tagsI'm literally just venting tbh but like definitely don't read it if the tags trigger you
Relationships: Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

Techno looked at his ceiling, there wasn't anything particularly interesting about it, but he couldn't seem to look away. Maybe it was because the idea of moving his head seemed exhausting. His body told him he was hungry, but eating something didn't seem particularly appealing, neither did making food. Technoblade couldn't even remember the last time he changed his sweater, any other fabric would feel wrong on his skin. His arm stung and he couldn't bring himself to do his daily responsibilities like school and such.

His family had been somewhat worried at first when he initially started getting bad, but the more they got worried, the better he got at covering it up. It had become normal to his family for him to be in his room all the time, assuming school work was piling up and that he was just going through puberty, just like every teenager. Techno had tons of excuses for things he did, so many times they had believed him. Enough excuses and they had stopped asking, assuming it was one of the things he had stated previously. It made it easier on Technoblade, not having to cover up as much as he used to, being able to contain all his problems behind closed doors so there was no reason he would have to make new excuses.

Techno now found himself standing infront of the mirror, he didn't fully remember getting there, only looking up and seeing his face. It almost didn't look like him, his hair has grown slightly and was matted from hours of laying in bed. He had broken out and had acne sprinkled over his face. The eye bags and dark circles gave away how little sleep he had managed to get despite how tired he seemed to be. Techno grazed his fingers over his chapped lips, small bits where he had bitten too hard had small cuts. His calloused hand ran over the textured part of his skin, sighing once he saw the dead skin that had rubbed off onto his skin along with grease. He had barely noticed the tears that built up behind his eyelashes as he stared at his frame, it was small, but not in the way he wished it was. Techno's hips seemed to always protrude out a bit too much, matching up with the width of his shoulders, which would be great if he wanted to look feminine.

Once he was done in the bathroom he slumped back down onto his bed, exhausted from the energy the trip took. He hadn't eaten a lot that week and the mental exhaustion from looking in the mirror had been enough to make him tired. He was also on his period, which made the pain of walking to the bathroom ten times worse. Having to walk around with cramps only reminded him that it was happening, making his dysphoria worse than it normally was. He couldn't help but feel like even the smallest part of it would make him feel dysphoria. The pad package was too feminine? Boom, it's cause he's not really a man. Of course he knew he was a man, he knew that he passed and that other people saw him as a man too, but he couldn't help but feel so girly when he would complain to himself about how loud the pad packaging is. He turned over to grab his phone, he'd rarely been on it for the past week, not having enough energy to respond to texts. The bright screen made his eyes water slightly, it was the only light in the room besides the sun beaming through his tightly shut blinds.

He scanned his eyes over the texts, 13 from Dream, 4 from Quackity, and a few from Ranboo. He couldn't imagine a good reason Dream had texted him so much, so he skipped over that contact. Quackity seemed like too much of an upbeat person for him to talk to at the moment, causing him to skip over that one too. Ranboo had only texted 2 times, and he rarely texted more than once if Technoblade didn't respond, not wanting to be a bother, which piqued Techno's interest. He opened Ranboo's messages, smiling when he saw the first message. The first one was a short 'hi :)'. It had been sent 3 days ago, the second one only a day later. The second was slightly longer, just saying that Ranboo hopes Technoblade is okay. Techno smiled slightly, something he hadn't done all week. He sent a quick response, reassuring Ranboo that he was okay and was just taking a break from his phone. After he'd finished that, he turned his phone back off and dropped it back on his bed. 

His mind wondered to the bottle of painkillers on his desk, waiting to help with his cramps. What if he took them all? Got a glass of water, spent a few minutes with his family, came back up and opened up the bottle. He could take them one by one, taste the bitter pill in his mouth as he swallowed and wash it down with a sip of water, or he could take a few at a time, rushing to get them down and trying to ignore the aspirin taste. He could take mouthfuls of water with it in hopes he wouldn't choke. What the fuck? When had he started to even acknowledge the pills when he wasn't in immense pain? He didn't mean what he said, he wasn't going to do anything like that. It was just a passing thought, an intrusive one maybe, but it's not like he would ever entertain the idea. That would be stupid.

He slowly pulled himself up, he needed to shower. He could feel the dirt on his skin and it was getting uncomfortable. It meant he'd have to take off his sweater, but it was worth it. He could feel the cold tiles under his feet, making him curl his toes uncomfortably. He peeled his clothes off slowly, wincing when he had to pull of f the binder he had been wearing for significantly too long. He took his boxers off last, not wanting to get blood on the floor. Turning away from the mirror quickly now that be could see his entire body, moving to turn on the shower. Once it had heated up enough and the mirror started to fog slightly, Techno stepped into the hot water. He initially flinched away from the burning sensation, before submerging himself into the stream of water. It encased his body, making his arms sting slightly- not that he minded. He slowly let himself fall into thought, the warm water making him feel better than when he was looking at the pill bottle earlier.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> technoblade is still sad OMEGALUL  
> VERY awesome cool great chapter written by a very awesome cool great BIG man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for a panic attack btw 👍

Techno woke up in his bed, he had taken a shower the day before so his sweater had been changed. The hoodie he had put on to replace it was scratchy and fit weirdly. He had to change it, so he got up and searched through his remaining clean clothes. He eventually found a soft black crew neck sweater. It fit loosely which was fine with him, as long as it wasn't the god forsaken hoodie he was wearing. Sun shine through the window, even with the closed blinds he couldn't help but scrunch his face any time he looked over at it. 

He hadn't really gone downstairs in awhile, having no reason to, but that also means he hadn't seen his family in awhile. He missed them if he was honest, so he decided to join them for breakfast. He had no idea what day it was, but it wasn't too late for them to be getting something to eat. He opened his door, closing it behind him, before walking down the hall to his stairs. He had a passing throught that he should slide down them like he used to, to act like a child. He brushed it off, but he couldn't stop the nostalgic feeling that arose from the memory. In fact, even going down the stairs felt foreign to him now. He made a mental note to bring some cups down later if he had the energy.

Once he found himself in the living room, Techno looked around. Things had been moved around slightly, not too much, but enough for him to notice. He found one of Phil's books on the table, one that he used to read to them when Technoblade and his siblings were younger. It made his heart squeeze, chest tightening with a mix of guilt and nostalgia. When was the last time he even spoke to Phil? Techno felt bad for neglecting his family for so long, but it was hard. Not everyday was a good day like today had been, most of the time he couldn't get up to take a piss, nonetheless go downstairs. Techno was sure he could ask Wilbur for advice if he really needed to, Wil had struggled a lot with his mental health not too long ago. It just felt to personal to talk about, nonetheless ask for help with. He didn't want someone knowing all the weird thoughts he had.

He was brought back to his thoughts about the pills again, he had no clue what prompted that idea, but it couldn't seem to leave his mind. It seemed tempting almost, Technoblade didn't want to die, he'd just prefer if whatever he was going through would end. It's thoughts like those that Techno doesn't want people knowing, especially someone so close to him as Wilbur is. He couldn't stand the idea of them figuring out how he had been and feeling guilty. Techno sighed before hearing his family talking in the other room, reminding him of what he had come down for to begin with. He quickly walked to the kitchen, looking in first before entering. Everyone was down there, making pancakes. Tubbo was over and him and Tommy were running around, probably making a mess. Phil and Wilbur stood at the other side of the kitchen, discussing something idly while making the pancakes. Techno felt out of place all of the sudden, almost regretting coming down. He didn't know where he'd fit in, he wouldn't go run around with Tommy or Tubbo as fun as it seemed, and he didn't want to include himself into the conversation Phil and Wilbur were having. Technoblade felt his breathing quicken, no one had noticed he was there, there was no reason for him to be there. He stuck out like a sore thumb, no one needed him there, they were having a good time. Techno hadn't even noticed how much he was shaking, all he could feel was his chest tightening. He was suffocating, he was going to die. He could feel the tears dripping down his face, but he had no idea what was happening around him. It didn't matter what was happening, he was dying. Techno felt a hand on his shoulder, who was that? He blinked away built up tears and looked at whoever had touched him. It was Wilbur, fuck they had all seen him. Wilbur was saying something, he could see his mouth moving, but he couldn't hear anything he was saying. Wilbur seemed to notice his confusion and smiled softly at Techno, rubbing his back and sitting him down. Once Techno had calmed down enough to understand what was happening around him to some degree, Wilbur started talking to him. "What are five things you can see?", Wilbur asked calmly, still making comforting gestures, like playing with his hair or rubbing his back. Technoblade looked around, not having the energy to move his head to look for stuff. "I can see you, the painting on the wall, the carpet, uhhh- I can see the counter. I don't- I don't know what else. Sorry Wil," Techno's breathing hitched, worried Wilbur would be mad that he couldn't find one more thing. "It's okay Tech, what are 4 things you can touch?", Wilbur comforted his younger brother, asking all his questions very softly. Techno reached around to touch stuff, grabbing at Wilbur's sweater. "I can feel your sweater, the floor, my shirt, and the uhhh... I can feel your hand on my back," Techno stated, breathing calming down slightly. He continued to hold Wilbur's sweater sleeve, messing around with the fabric. Wilbur nodded slightly, smiling at the progress. "Okay, good job Techno, what are three things you can hear?", Wilbur questioned. Techno tried to listen in on what was around him. "You, my heartbeat, and the birds outside," Techno answered confidently, breathing slowly going back to normal. He was more aware of what was happening around him, like how Wilbur had cleared everyone out of the room except the two of them. "Good, amazing, two things you can smell?", Wilbur asked, more laid back now that Techno seemed to be calmed down. "Easy, your cologne and pancakes," Techno answered quickly, he seemed to be calmed down completely now, his breathing was fine and he had slumped against Wil. "Are you okay now? Do you want to move to the living room with the rest of them?" Wilbur suggested, knowing it'd be more comfortable to sit on the couch. Techno nodded and clutched onto Wil. Everyone sat around Technoblade, who had stayed leaning against Wilbur now that they had sat on the couch. Wilbur was still playing with his hair, making sure he felt comfortable. Techno knew there would be questions later, but it felt nice like this. Everyone sat down comfortably, a movie on the TV. Even Tommy and Tubbo had calmed down and cuddled up together. Techno felt his eyelid get heavier, his body warm cuddled up against his older brother. He stopped paying attention to the movie and let himself fall asleep, easily slipping into unconsciousness for the first time in a month or so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda hate like all of this but it is just a vent fanficion so like it doesn't matter too much


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> techno do be going through it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW !! for suicide attempt 🥶 but uh yeah very serious topic don't read it if it'd make you u comfortable or if it's a trigger

Technoblade woke up on the couch, tangled in layers of blankets. No one else seemed to be in the house, probably out doing stuff. There was a note on the coffee table explaining how they had gone out shopping but didn't want to overexert Techno. He sighed and got up, moving to fix the couch. Techno decided it was time to go back to his room, he was still exhausted.

Once he reached his godforsaken bed that had trapped him for weeks, action soon the be repeated, he laid down. The bed felt gross, but he couldn't bring himself to wash his bedding and remake the bed, so he opted to just zone out. He knew he had more notifications on his phone, but he didn't feel like checking any of them. He glanced back over at the pills, the thought had been sat idly in the back of his head since he first had it, waiting to be brought back up the next time he saw them. It wasn't too bad of an idea, no one would even notice for a week or so, not until they saw he hadn't even left to take a piss every now and then.

Techno pushed himself up and scooted to the side of the bed, leaning over to his side table, grasping at the pills. It wouldn't be too hard, he would just take them one, maybe two, at a time with a sip of water in-between. He knew it was painful, but it's not like he hadn't dealt with worse. He could handle whatever the painkillers had to offer, he was sure it wouldn't matter anyway even if he couldn't. The intent was to die anyways, so in the end it wouldn't matter how bad it felt.

He had no idea when the passing thought had become a plan, nonetheless when that plan was added to his agenda, but he couldn't bring himself to care as he read the contents and correct dosage. It was meant for an adult or child over the age of 13 to only take two, unless suggested otherwise by a doctor. It wasn't hard to decide to just take as many as he could stomach. Techno had his phone out, the calculator opened up so he could count the dosage he took. If he googled it and it wasn't enough to kill him, he was fucked.

Technoblade slowly unscrewed the small childproof cap, hearing the satisfying 'click!' when it finally opened. He knew it was a bad idea, quite frankly the dumbest thing he could be doing at the moment, but he couldn't help but feel proud. He stared at the pills he had poured into his hand with a sickening fondness. He checked over his water bottle to make sure there was enough to take the contents in his hand without having to swallow them dry, once he had confirmed the water was nearly full he frowned a bit. Now was not the time to be second guessing himself, so before he could debate it more he popped two pills in his mouth and took a giant sip of his water.

He continued to take pills, either one at a time or in pairs, until his hand was empty. He had been calculating the amount he took with each pill and it came out at about 10,000 milligrams. His body was shaking and his face felt a bit numb, the side effects were starting to show and it was already an unpleasant experience, but he sucked it up. He went to check his phone finally, he didn't have anything else to do, and he didn't really want to dissapear without a final goodbye. He was sure Wilbur or Tommy would tell his friends if he had died, but he didn't want to leave without his own goodbye.

He opened his phone and out the password in, quickly scanning over his screen. Clicking on the icon he had been searching for he sighed, there were messages from his friends saying they hoped he was okay and they're glad he's taking the break he needs. Dread filled Technoblades stomach, guilt seeping into every crevice of his body. They thought he was getting better and here he was, body slowly numbing and an uncomfortable ache in his stomach. He responded to them, just some appreciation messages, maybe he added a few words that made it seem like he'd see them again soon despite knowing he wouldn't. He debated clicking on the family group chat before deciding that yesterday was a good enough goodbye.

He finally let himself lay back, he noticed all the symptoms he had been too busy to take note of before. It felt terrible, everything was numb. Despite that he could still feel the dull ache in his head and the tensing of his muscles. Everything looked a little blurrier and his mouth was painfully dry. Techno reached for his water bottle before finding he couldn't even move his arm the much. Every breath he took smelled like medicine and burnt plastic. His eyes started to droop and he felt himself wanting to fall in the sweet embrace of sleep, ready to be over with this terrible feeling. He thought for a second before closing his eyes, his stomach still doing twirls and drumming continuing in his head. 

Questions filled his head, swirling around like water. Was he really going to die? Who would find him? How long would it take? Even worse, what would happen if he woke up? He started to panic, his already anxiety ridden body just getting worse. If the pills hadn't caused his body to have a panicked reaction these thoughts did. Technoblade felt his heart beat against his chest and his breathing became shaky. It didn't really matter anymore, he couldn't call anyone and was already half asleep. Why did he have to second guess himself after he already did it?

He gave up worrying about it as he slowly faded in and out of consciousness, instead focusing on his surroundings. He probably should have cleaned his room before he did this, but it didn't matter anymore. Everything seemed a lot more blurry than it had a few seconds ago, his eyes seemed like they were being held shut everytime he blinked. It seemed like he really was going to die, it was finally his time. He took a few shakey breathes before closing his eyes, waiting for sleep to take him. The last thing he could recall hearing was a car pulling up in the driveway.


End file.
